Post 311332 by winsomesquid deleted for the following reason: I'm very sorry this is so distressing for you. AskMetafilter can't help in situations of immediate mental health crisis, though, and you've already asked two questions about this same situation. Please call your therapist, or if you're in immediate crisis right now, please reach out for live in-person help from one of the crisis lines listed on the ThereIsHelp wiki page. -- LobsterMitten